


Trust

by johnllauren



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotions, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, lots of gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 09:06:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9878558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnllauren/pseuds/johnllauren
Summary: John Laurens isn’t one to get attached.Until he finds Alexander Hamilton. And even then, not until Alex makes his love known.





	

John Laurens isn’t one to get attached. 

He had decided this years ago, before he left South Carolina behind, when he dealt with his father on a daily basis. It was easier, fourteen-year-old him had decided, to not let himself latch onto people than it was to get attached and hurt himself in the process, once said people leave or screw him over. At eighteen, more mature in some ways but clearly not others, he leaves his hometown for the first (and last) time, with his aforementioned philosophy still intact.

He’d formed bonds, sure. He’s got friends and acquaintances and enemies in New York. John lets himself love his closest friends, even, and makes sure to tell them so. But he never dares get too attached, always makes sure to leave some distance and not share all his secrets, waiting with baited breath for the time when they all betray him. 

And beyond that, he doesn’t even allow himself to think about a boyfriend. The strongest love John lets himself feel is platonic. Not to say it’s less than romantic love, but John outright forbids himself to consider giving his whole life to a person, handing over his heart when it so clearly needs to stay in his own hands, protected and concealed. 

“John, you’ve got to loosen yourself up,” His friends - especially Lafayette - have said in the past, but he doesn’t listen. Would it be nice to have someone ‘to have and to hold’? Yes, John believes it would be, but with that comes the death of his freedom, the looming fear that whomever he entrusts his love to will someday leave, so he simply abstains. 

“Are you ace, maybe?” Alex asks him one night, movie night. “Or aro, or something? Cause I know that takes a while to come to terms with, and if you need help, I’m always-”

John cuts him off with a shake of his head. “No, no, I’m gay, definitely. It’s more of… celibacy, I guess. Like, I’m just choosing not to have a romantic or a sexual partner.”]

Alex nods. “I just wanted you to know I’m here if you need to talk about anything.”

“Of course.” John responds. “I trust you with everything.” A lie, maybe, but a simple lie to tell. Let people think that you trust them, it’s easier on them. And, to be fair, John trusts Alexander more than he trusts anyone else, even if that’s not exactly a hard competition to win.

They lapse into silence after that. _Die Hard 2_ is finishing, there’s perhaps fifteen minutes left. Mulligan and Lafayette have already left, they’d walked out the door a little less than a half hour ago. John lost track of time and hadn’t noticed until they’d left. He meant to leave early, but when he looked at the clock as Lafayette got up, it was past eleven at night. 

(John blames his delicate southern sensibilities for the fact that riding the subways at night scares him, especially when he’s alone. His friends don’t tease him for it - hell, everyone must be at least a little scared of the subways at night - because although they know very little about John’s childhood, they know he’d lived a sheltered suburban life, one not fit for public transportation in the evenings.)

Alex, bless him, offers to let John stay the night. Perhaps John wouldn’t have accepted the offer, but he likes Alex the best, and he’s spent nights here before, and sleeping over isn’t exactly attaching himself, and admittedly he’s extremely comfortable where he is. So he bids Mulligan and Lafayette goodnight and agrees to finish the movie. 

“I hope you don’t mind that I’m going to bed now.” Alex says with a yawn as the credits roll.

John shakes his head. “No, I’m tired as well.” 

With that, both of them are up off the couch and heading into Alex’s room. It had been established in their first year of friendship that platonic cuddling and sleeping next to each other was something they did, and it was fine. John, at first, didn’t like the intimacy - but his friends understood and he gave himself time and now he’s alright with it. So he ends up in Alex’s bed, the other’s arm wrapped around him, blanket up on top of them both.

It’s always easier for John to sleep when he’s surrounded by Alex. 

 

John wakes up the next morning feeling rested and not at all tired, but he keeps his eyes closed to savor the moment. Alex is still next to him, though he’s sitting up with John’s head in his lap, playing with John’s hair. John is about to ask Alex how long he’s been up when he hears Alex speaking. 

“Beautiful. You’re beautiful but you don’t understand, do you? No, you never let us tell you, you never believe it. I guess that’s why I have to tell you now, right? You’re beautiful and magnificent, John Laurens. You’ve got the prettiest long eyelashes and your freckles, holy shit, god bless the southern sun. And your lips are really nice and I want to kiss them but I know I can’t, cause you won’t let yourself be in a relationship. I respect that, I respect you.” He sighs. “I just love you. So much. I am in love with you, John Laurens, and I know you don’t feel the same and that’s okay. I just had to tell you that, but not while you can hear me, just this is enough. I love you.” 

John… doesn’t respond. It takes his mind a second to register the fact that Alex said all that. The ridiculous complex enigma of Alexander Hamilton has confessed his love for John and John doesn’t know what to do. He’s about to let the moment pass, pretend to be asleep, when he starts to think that maybe he doesn’t just think of Alex as a friend, and maybe he’d be willing to give this all a try, just for Alex. And maybe - definitely - the thought of kissing Alex Hamilton senseless is the best idea John has ever come up with.

In about .5 seconds, John is absolutely convinced that he’s been in love with Alexander for these eight years they’ve known each other. 

And then John does the only thing he can think of - he sits up and wordlessly kisses Alex.

They say nothing for a good minute after John breaks away. 

And then Alex asks, in the smallest voice, “How much of that did you hear?”


End file.
